Journey to Freedom: Identity

I look into the rearview mirror and sigh at the clock on the dashboard -- 3am. How did I get here? Who is this girl? Three assignments, one favor for a classmate, and a late drive across the HRBT ... I've done it again. Exactly what I've chosen to do for acceptance.

Pull yet another all nighter because my days are stretched and spent running around fulfilling work, volunteering, sorority work, and internship obligations -- forgetting to prioritize myself? Check.

Be well liked amongst my peers by saying "yes" to everything? Check.

Find myself on yet another late night drive to a guy that doesn't need me, but makes me feel wanted and special for another night? Check.

Sound familiar? Maybe even relatable?

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I spent majority of my life tethering my identity to what others thought of me by what I could do for them -- to how they accepted me based on how much I could give to them. I spent majority of my life tethered to the fear of rejection, thus shaping my identity.

You see, when I didn't know who I was and hadn't fully began to walk in WHOSE I am, I placed weight in the opinions, the attention, and the acceptance of others. Anchoring myself to temporary and ever-changing foundations.

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“Be careful what you anchor your identity to — once it’s gone, you’re bound to sink.”

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From a young age I placed the weight of my identity in things like how many friends I had, whether or not my new siblings liked me, if I excelled in the gifted program, whether or not my mom approved of me, and even whether my biological father looked for me. What I sought evolved as I grew older into whether or not the cute guy I had a crush on went for my friend or me, whether or not I made a certain salary, whether or not I had over 100 likes on IG and Facebook ... whether or not anyone read or commented on a blog post ...

All very temporary and ever-changing standards to anchor my identity to -- like glaciers shifting and melting in a climate of global warming and changes, so do those standards.

But how many of us know that God is a solid rock in a world full of change?! [Check Psalm 61:2 and Psalm 18:2!] It was the moment I rearranged my anchor to Christ that He also revealed that my identity was rearranged as well. As a child of the Most High, I didn't have to seek approval of any [wo]man -- I was already approved and validated as His child! My hope and faith became anchored in the truth of Him -- such a gift! Anything that is His, became mine -- joy, love, peace, strength. Imagine your identity in the fullness of receiving and accepting these gifts in and from Christ. And with no expectations for what you can give or do to earn the gift -- freely given.

[If you haven't accepted this gift from Christ, let me know if you'd like to receive it today!]

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“It’s not the love of a man that we’ve needed after all; it’s being set free from thinking it was.”

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I no longer had to seek validation through comparison. I no longer had to cling to acceptance and fear rejection. He's the Rock that was also rejected, right? I am not immune to rejection!

But the feelings of being unwanted or uninvited or unnoticed, or even forgotten, still remained a couple years ago. I know that I am  His daughter, but I thought Daddy God had forgotten about me. In more ways than one ... I let the lies of the enemy grow louder than the truth in my head. That's when I took my life's course into my own hands. And boy did I jack things up ...

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Vibe Tunes ATM:

Solid Rock x Tasha Cobbs Leonard ft Jamie Grace | Calvin's Joint x Mac Ayres

Journey to Freedom: The 1st Breath

I exit his apartment, bags in tow. Thoughts race through my mind, like, "am I wrong?", "what happens next?", "will I regret this later?", and "I can't believe this happened today ..." 

 He helps me put my bags in the trunk and we hug for the last time, with few words about safe travels and texts when I get home. I'm not surprised but slightly shocked that after what I've done, he still has concerns for my safety. I feel undeserving. I feel guilty. But this doesn't keep me from walking to my driver's side door and starting my car for what feels like a dramatically long exit.

* exhale *

I sit in the driver's seat, driving the 5+ hours home -- in silence. In between silent tears, I call my mom, call my best friend, I pray.

 I feel ... at peace. I feel ... relieved. I feel ... open, not empty.

* exhale *

A break-up, my break-up, wasn't something I thought I'd share. However, the journey to that life event deserves it's light. I vowed to journey with you all, no matter how ugly or beautiful, no matter how challenging or blessed. So, here we begin ...

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“I let fear hold me hostage in a relationship for almost 2 years ...”

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This journey begins way before any "Facebook official" relationship post though -- before the IG highlight reels, before the phone calls to reconnect.

At a young age, I was conditioned to be emotionally dependent when it came to decision making. Something I am still unlearning today ...

As the youngest, I grew up desperately wanting to be accepted by my 3 older step-siblings, starting at the tender age of 6. So much so that I quietly carried traumatic experiences and anxiety in the form of migraine headaches and other somatic symptoms.

I desperately wanted to find and be accepted by my biological father, using phonebooks and random phone calls to support my 8-year-old thesis: if I call all the C_____ Johnson's, I'll find him, he'll want me, and we'll live happily ever after.

If others -- family and friends included -- approved of me, I'd approve of myself. How could I live with these heavy chains?! So heavy that for decades, I let my decisions and moves be determined by the weight and length of these chains. I was in bondage ... and got so used to it, that it became my norm.

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For the next couple of posts, I want to share my journey to freedom from the chains that bound me, affected my relationships, and almost claimed my life. Let's journey ...

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Vibe Tunes ATM:

Garden x SZA | Who You Say I Am x Hillsong Worship

On Not Looking Like What You’re Going Through

Life can truly, honestly get the best of us -- throw us curveballs, press pause on what we THOUGHT was going to happen, and derail plans like nobody's business! Obstacles, challenges, trials and tribulations -- we expect them. However, every now and then we tend to look like the storm that life is taking us through. But this doesn't always have to be the case.

Let me be honest … the last three months of my life have been TUMULTUOUS. Career wise, financially, personally -- I'm exhausted. And I have a feeling this season is not yet over but I'm rejoicing that it's temporary. So how am I not looking like “who shot John and why”?

Prayer

There's no easier or quicker way to present my worries and stress to a Way Maker than through prayer. I will literally lay prostrate on my bedroom floor and cry, journal, worship to my favorite worship song (listen to Trust In You by Anthony Brown & group therapy!), or simply have a conversation with Him -- pouring out my heart and mind. If you believe in the power of prayer, you know the empowerment and energy it can provide, especially the reassurance, knowing He's a good, good Father that has His kid’s back.

Revisit my Vision Board

Now this can sometimes discourage me if I'm not exactly “checking boxes” or where I thought I'd be, but knowing that there ARE goals I've accomplished and bigger pictures I'm working towards helps! My back straightens, I clear my mind by writing daily or weekly goals, and I march on! Sometimes revisiting the “why” behind your journey is motive to press towards the mark!

Eat Healthy

How many of us emotionally eat or need comfort food every day? *raises both hands* I've had to discipline myself to not eat my emotions. And trust me -- I know it's harder said than done. I've gained 30lbs in the last 2 years and it doesn't feel great! But knowing that I can work on eliminating one stressor (health and weight concern) by simply eating healthier, fulfilling meals settles my heart and stomach! ;) Also, let's give it up to WATER! Whether it's flushing out the bad or clearing up stress acne, water is the #GOAT. I heard a quote once that suggested we should “eat until we're content, not stuffed full”. Whether it's contentment with our portion in life or with food, practice this balance.

Pamper Myself

#SelfCare right? LOL But honestly, having a bomb wash and go, giving myself a pedicure, or wearing a red lip to dinner can do something for the feminine woman in me! I really love a good face mask or exfoliating scrub for that optimum skin care, head to toe! When I feel I look my best on the outside, I feel better on the inside.

Selfies

How can a good selfie session with some bomb lighting and maybe a Snapchat filter or two not lighten the mood!? Feeling super confident: post it!

Music

The soundtrack to my life usually reflects the season or mood I'm in at the moment. Whether it's We’re Blessed by Fred Hammond or Bodak Yellow by Cardi B, No Fear by Dej Loaf or Broken Clocks by SZA -- change the record on the soundtrack of your life, change your perspective, change your mood.

Trust me, these tools and many others can keep us on track to reaching our goals and looking less like what we're going through. Don't fake the funk, change your narrative one self-care strategy at a time.

Journey Beautifully!

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Vibe Tunes ATM:  

Trust In You x Anthony Brown |  Anything x SZA