#LettingGo+MakingSpace

I have a hard time letting go of things and people. My mom tells me I have a slight hoarding problem. It's like I see the potential in something and optimistically believe that one day I'll need it ... or that they'll need me. So I cling to the memories, the potential, the expectations ... the picture I paint in my mind of a future where potential and purpose align. 

This land of tight gripped dreams and fantasies is valid. I am allowed to see the greatness in something, someone. But it's the honest truth in my peripheral that awakens my reality. 

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Letting go is an art: requiring the right tools, support, timing and muse. I wouldn't write/post haphazardly, so neither would I handle this artistic expression similarly.   

Tools:

Whether it's blocking all mediums of contact, praying through the healing process, journaling through the phases of grief, or utilizing music to say what you cannot, there are tools available to aid in letting go. I have to use all of these and more to trek from one emotional space to another. And it's hard. I'm not a cold-hearted individual and my character tells me to remain available for others, but who's available for me? 

Support:

Community is an integral part of journeying through life. The last two years of my  life have encouraged me to grow in areas that I ignored and hindered out of fear. With the support of my sister-friends, family, and therapist, decluttering my mental, emotional, and physical spaces has felt that much more manageable.   

Timing: 

Ecclesiastes 3:1. God's timing is humorous in retrospect; all that I have needed to triumph through life, I have been equipped with in a timely manner. There is a reason I held on to people and things for the times I did: I was not equipped to effectively let go. "WHY NOW?": the timing is right. 

Muse: 

Myself. That's it. I need me.  

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I need me more than anything else. My love and affection, my encouragement and endearment, my focus and fearlessness. I even need my flaws, imperfections, laziness, and screw ups. I NEED ALL OF ME. And the best parts of me are mine to have and share with those deserving. 

I would rather let go and remain open palmed, receiving the outpouring of reciprocity and love from those things and people that appreciate my best, than cling to uncertainty. 

#ElusiveAnswers

I was greeted with sun rays and tears the other day. Salt water waves warmed by light baptized my face on what was supposed to be my Sabbath. Nothing could rest, though. Especially not my heart -- broken. Pieces tinkering inside my chest as I compassionately encouraged my limbs to move -- I couldn't stay home. So, I was sanctuary bound, routinely.

I was mid-process, mid-thought, mid-sorting out everything that's transpired over the past two weeks. How I went from a delusional optimist to painful realist about my relationships with others.

I am identifying, admitting, owning, forgiving, and releasing my contribution to my emotions' current state. Eventually learning from my guilt, hoping to avoid shame. Remaining attune with my anger, hoping to solicit my own prayers for myself, as well as the antagonists of this 2-week novella. Life's dramatic ... I know.

I'll christen this experience "VIVA" because honestly, I've lived and learned and loved ...

so hard ...

... that it's taught me about life itself. All of the choices about/for myself that I have already and will inevitably make.

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“Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.”

— Luke 6:28 (NLT)

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Within those choices, rests the arduous decision to pray for those that have directly and indirectly broken my heart ... including myself. Former friends, ex-lovers, even my father/sperm donor (yeah, "daddy issues") have broken my heart. Giving my heart in any relationship is the most intimate and invaluable thing I can offer, in addition to my time. So can you imagine how devastating it is to essentially be shown that your heart is not enough? That your heart isn't appreciated? It's hard ... it effects my self-esteem ... it effects my future relationships. And that's not me; I don't want a hardened heart.

So I pray.

It is physically, emotionally, and mentally impossible to harbor anger towards someone you are intentionally praying for. Have compassion for those who hurt you; offering them the other cheek. 

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Life, love ... they're complicated, but don't always have to be. 

Life's not a living lesson if all the answers were inviting. So, I'm embracing the occasional elusiveness, praying for those who teach life's lessons, and praying for the journeyer, me.

#DancingAlone

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“Recognize when you’re choosing to be sad and intentionally do things that present choices for happiness.”

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Balancing my life is a priority and I deserve to be happy, by choice.

I'm proud of my growth towards being a present individual. It has been SO hard and everyday presents it's own challenging nouns (people, places, and things/situations). Honestly, I have had to intentionally push away distractions and intrusive thoughts to thoroughly experience my life. So, when that same sentiment isn't reciprocated or shared, sometimes I feel offended (of which is also a choice). Now,  life is meant to be enjoyed with others. Community is an essential part of growth and progression, especially as a millennial experiencing the constant pop-up alerts of lows society interjects amidst the highs. With that, I'm relearning that sometimes I have to dance alone; remaining present to accept the journey for what it is in that moment FOR ME.

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People will always offend you. We are a people of sinful and selfish nature. So more than often our expectations of others must be explicitly described or they'll never know that our quiet withdrawal is in response to them leaving our expectations solo on the dance floor. And what happens when that close friend, significant other, or even family member offends you?

How about intentionally releasing those expectations when necessary? I'm a pretty laid-back, simple girl who doesn't ask for much more than reciprocity and attention from those that matter. And in the moments when those are in deficit from others, I must provide them to myself.

Self-celebration.

I've had to tell myself to intentionally take in every moment of an experience. Whether it be the smell of waves when walking down the beach, the tastes of  mimosas with brunch, the sound of the laughter among my sister-friends, or feeling the bass of Calvin Harris DJ-ing through the club to my chest.

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“Experience life and carefree relaxation, even if it has to be alone.”

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Dance alone.

Taking those intentional 1-2 steps towards and onto the dance floor of life's experiences will definitely change what you, and I, see that very moment. We cannot be hindered by the reliance on others to dance with us, to validate our own experiences.

But, do you ever notice those individuals dancing alone? They're either enjoying the experience more than others or they're attracting like-minded individuals.

I hope you dance, no matter what.