Leaping in Faith
Credit: CreateHerStock
I sat on the bathroom floor at my job and wept. Hard. Like snot and sobbing, eyes red, hyperventilating. I was in a space of fear, frustration, and fatigue that I had never felt before. Was this an anxiety attack? Was I panicking? Was I breaking down??? I needed grounding, I needed support in that moment. On the phone with a close friend, I repeated how exhausted and stressed I was, overwhelmed and unfulfilled. I had reached my breaking point. Sent home to take a self-care day and gather myself, I had plenty of time to nap and reflect on that moment. This was one heck of an experience. And in that experience I made a decision for my present and future self. I needed a sabbatical.
In the back of my mind, the same gentle whisper that I’ve heard before, repeated the same affirmation: “you’re too creative for this”. You see, for weeks, probably months, I felt this nudging from The Spirit. You know the place your mind goes when you picture yourself truly fulfilled in your purpose AND profession? The days of creating in your divine power and leading an impact that changes lives? My mind and heart would follow that voice, seduced by the prophetic image of my best self living my best life. I knew it was for me, eventually. Little did I know I had been taking leaps of faith in that direction my entire life.
I can recall many times when I leaped out on faith and into God’s arms. Whether it be applying to grad school, accepting a new job, moving to a new city into my first solo apartment, or even leaving my full time job. But faith isn’t just about those grand or larger than imagination gestures. Leaps of faith happen in the daily moments we trust Him: waking up and placing our feet on the ground, driving to and from a job daily, grocery shopping and meal prepping for the long week ahead, investing in our self-care, connecting to new friends and professional colleagues, even the calls we make to family to express our most beautifully vulnerable and highest selves. Every day we breathe is a journey of faith, trusting that we have another day to live out purpose.
Now, is trust easy? HELL NO! (sorry mom) The same way I can recall days of faith and anticipation, I can remember crying myself to sleep and waking up with a sore jaw from clenching my teeth in my nervous slumber. Or tearfully paying a bill, unsure if God would provide for the next one (spoiler alert: HE ALWAYS COMES THROUGH!). Or even humbling myself to release the “strong friend” façade and lean on my tribe to journey with me and support me in transitioning times.
The ebbs and flows of life require one thing: surrender.
I had to surrender, DAILY, to God’s plan (cue Drake bop). I had to surrender, DAILY, to rest. I had to surrender, DAILY, to living in the present and remaining God conscious. In moments where I felt I should be working harder than ever and running around trying to make ends meet, I had to say, “God, I’m Yours”. Moments where I wanted to give up and avoid taking steps towards my highest self and dream, I had to say, “God I’m Yours”. Times where I was skeptical, and doubtful, and scared … I had to say, “God, I’m Yours”.
It’s in the surrender that we experience the true breath of leaping in faith.
So, all of that to say, I quit. I submitted my letter of resignation and quit the “big girl job” that I was the catalyst to one of my many leaps of faith into moving to a new city into my first “big girl apartment”. December 27th, 2019 marked the last day at my full-time job. If you follow me on IG, I posted a picture to my stories in the very moment I left the office — standing outside my parked car, packed full of office belongings. In that moment I honestly felt a sense of relief — I knew that I was walking in what some may call “crazy faith” towards what was calling my name louder than before, and I had to follow.
In the days following that faith leap, I was ELATED. I entered into 2020 with a sense of strength and readiness to prepare for what God had next — little did I know He wasn’t operating on my time table. Six days into the new year and my part-time job, meant to be a buffer along with my savings, sent an email that informed me that I was going to have fewer hours than anticipated, basically leaving me without a back-up. Wow, God. I planned to leap in faith with a parachute, and then THIS!? In retrospect, is it faith if we have a parachute?
The human in me PANICKED. I was living on savings and a prayer at this point. But just two days before this email, I had enrolled into a course called #AccessYourCrown by Tanesha Grant-Keita. This course that I was aligned with is meant help me master myself, my story, and my purpose. Would I have been able to enroll in a six-week course if I was employed at an emotionally draining job? Probably. But I wouldn’t have been as present and open to the fullness of what the course entailed and required: showing up for myself. #GodBeKnowing
So when I received the work email, yes, I was stressed, but I also had to talk to my highest self and recognize the opportunity, not the challenge, of this moment. I had TIME. Time to focus on sitting at God’s feet, taking care of my soul, nurturing my frayed emotional edges, and drinking my water. ;)
I spent December 27th 2019 to present day taking the course, reading books (check out Atomic Habits by James Clear — it’ll change your life), listening to music of all genres (especially gospel — check out Volume 100 of @SimpleWednesday), cleaning my physical environment for mental hygiene, and connecting with my tribe.
My tribe. God, I thank You for my tribe. My closest friends and family showed up for me during this time in a way that I will NEVER forget. I leaped and it seemed like they were cheering me on along the clouds. Sending me encouraging texts and emails, resources for my personal development, books on books on books, journals to conceive dream ideas, connections to colleagues in the field walking the path that I’m desiring, and so much more. They showed me how surrender to God is allowing Him to show up through the vessels He placed in my life. I used to feel like I HAD to be the strong friend and shelve my needs, when really, that’s the opposite of life’s intention. I was meant to share those needs, allowing my tribe and I to make space for and support each other. It’s a space I’ll never take for granted. We are an ecosystem, and without each other, we fail to truly live.
And the most important step I took: praying. I had to reignite my communication with God, to really KNOW His voice in order to trust the process. Surrender isn’t about the leap alone, it’s also about the journey. I had to seek His guidance EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. And without talking to Him, I would’ve truly been lost. My prayers would be journal entries, tears, lyrics of songs, or even thoughts in my quiet time. It seemed like no matter the method, He listened with a longing ear, eager to hear from His daughter and ready to hold a sacred space for He and I to commune.
And today, here I am.
I will continue to share and use the tools that recharged me on the sabbatical I needed — the break from working for everyone else and shifting towards intentionally working for me, showing up for me. I want to share an affirming journal entry that has and will continue to keep me grounded and focused on the journey ahead, with hopes that it affirms you, too:
On this journey, I have and will have to continue to trust God, to take heed to the Holy Spirit, and trust my voice. I especially have to trust myself. Imposter syndrome is real … Even on this faith journey, I’ve had moments of doubt and self-sabotage. Believing that I’m not smart/creative/known/secure/whole enough to do what I’m called to do. But a whisper reminds me: “I am called AND qualified”. My faith will require leaps and jumps like never before, but I’m not taking those jumps alone. I have been blessed with an amazing ecosystem of sister-friends that speak to the greatness in me. They see who I already am and the powerhouse I will be. They see and call to me … and I need to respond. I realize that any self-doubt, self-sabotage, insecurity, fear, inadequacy, procrastination, and shrinking is a lie of only the enemy’s scheming brain. I release ALL of it! I radiate confidence, preparation, fortitude, tenacity, resiliency, knowledge, aptitude, intelligence, organization, and presence that shifts the atmosphere of rooms, changes lives, and impacts the world. ÀSE!
Vibe Tunes ATM: